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What Would Jesus Do? (GAM022)
What Would Jesus Do? is the tragic tale of Christian persecution, in which several characters must find Jesus in order to overcome immense hurdles like real estate profits, success in the music business, and the revival of the local economy. It's just complete nonsense throughout. It's the movie equivalent of your untalented friend play you the new guitar song he's being working on… for ninety-four minutes. Type: Jesus Saves! (and takes half damage) Opening Phrase Where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema in hopes of appeasing Lord Volderon, and one day seeing our families again. How Bad Was It? I'm going to go out on a limb here; look, it's not the worst made movie we've watched, it's not the worst idea movie we've watched (it doesn't present ideas as poisonous—it doesn't praise Hiroshima, or rape), but it is the least enjoyable movie we have watched. I have never checked the time on any thing more often. Literally, every forty seconds I'd be like 'Hooooo! Wow, it's only been forty second. I can't…" It is… nuts. This movie is so bad. First of all, I want you to imagine it's a normal eighties romcom where they've "gotta save the ski center", but it's about people who don't know how anything in the world works. It's like… any of those "We've gotta help our friends make it back to Burka-burr" except they're like "Let's use a map. No, let's use this ham that I inscribed my grandmother's initials on!" That's what this whole movie—this whole movie is just people going like "Are books made out of tears?" No. What? And all the other characters in this movie react accordingly. They'll be like "Hey man, I'm just gonna sit at this table for a second." "No, that's not how anything works.", "C'mon, I'm not hurting anybody!, "That's also not… thank-you?" Best Worst Noah: ...knowing how Earth works. Eli: ... transitions. Noah: ...having the bad guys do wrong stuff, and the good guys do right stuff. Notes *This episode features an early "Best at Being the Worst" bit. *This film is apparently based on a book called In His Steps by Charles Sheldon. Jokes *"So, basically what this is—cause you don't get this until three-quarters of the way though the movie, so I'm going to help people out here—the daughter and the mother had a rich dad who died and left them lots of money, and they own real estate with Lizard Man, and they are having a meeting about how—and this is the main push of this movie—about how they're going to close the old church. Remember that one we just saw, that only had three people in it and the pastor ended his sermon by being like 'Fuck off! I'm jerkin' off in here!"? Remember that church? They're going to close that down… oh no! Anyways… they're going to close that down and build a better nicer one. So what they're going to do is not destroy the church, they're going to move the church (the one that has no attendance). They're moving that church, and they're replacing it with a hotel and casino. Now, there's a couple of questions that come up. First of all, how large a hotel and casino fit into that church? Unless it's an awfully large church, you're going to need a little more room… it's more of a bed and breakfast casino. There's this moment where they go 'But gambling's illegal here', and I had a realization here: the protagonists of this movie are going to be the people who don't allow dancing in Footloose. That's the good guys… the before Kevin comes is the movie… the pre-Kevin Bacon town is the protagonists of this film. Oh my gosh! Guys, guys… the pastor… wait a second… the pastor's wife and child were killed in a car accident. What if this movie is a prequel to Footloose? It's a pastor who goes around, he takes over the town, he—oh my God, this movie is a prequel to Footloose! This changes everything. It's amazing! I fixed it. This movie's a sequel to Footloose. Next week we're doing Footloose." *Oh no, I'm sorry, this scene ends with the single worst moment in my entire life. Alright, so I just want to throw this out: before we watched this movie… Eli watched it before me and he sent me a message that said 'This may be the first movie that we've ever watched' and I was like 'There's no fucking way this is the worst—there can't be a worse movie than the worse movie we've ever watched.' And for the first hour or so of this movie I'm like 'Yeah, I don't think—I think Eli was exaggerating' and then we get to this moment, where all of the characters agree that they're going to save the church, and they're going to 'What would Jesus do?' their way though all the problems that they arrive at. So then we actually get the scene where they all put their hands in the center, and he goes 'Can I get a WWJD!?' [Eli: Also, when he says 'I want to get one thing straight', I wanted him so bad to be like 'I want pussy on tap—no headaches, no excuses. You too Nickelback Junior! I get in a hole when I wanna be in a hole.' I hate this movie more than anything in the world. I have not hated a movie we've watched more than anything in the world for a long time. I hated this movie. And then someone mentions the bracelets! Someone goes 'Like the bracelets?', and I'm like… oh good, at least someone threw that out there. I thought we were all just going to pretend the bracelets didn't exist.]" (1:30:15) Interstitials *"What Would Jesus Do?" Song (7:54) *"I'm not hurtin' anybody." (1:16:38) *''How the Fuck Are You a Grown-up?'' (1:17:43) Tropes *Atheist Writer in the Room *Behind on the Rent *BRIAN! (Fuck You!) *Cancer Wife/God Killed My Mom/Evil Stole My Faith *Christians Don't Know How the World Works *Crazy Billionaire Money *Deathbed Prostelytizing *Flashback to Shit We Just Watched *Heroes are Villains, Villains are Heroes *Name That Movie *Not Christan Enough *Success Is Bad *Secret Jesus *We're Gonna Live Forever Links *Episode on Audioboom *Trailer on YouTube *IMDB Category:Episodes Category:Noah Lugeons Category:Heath Enwright Category:Eli Bosnick Category:Songs